The Surprising Mental Hurdles Every Surrogate Must Clear

Eran Amir

CEO and Founder of GoStork

Building a family through surrogacy is a profound journey, but it’s also one that requires incredible strength—not only for the intended parents but also for the surrogate carrying your baby. As intended parents, understanding the mental and emotional hurdles your surrogate must overcome can deepen your appreciation for their role and help foster a positive, supportive relationship. Here are the key psychological challenges surrogates face and how they navigate them with grace and determination.

The Decision to Become a Surrogate

For many surrogates, the journey begins with a deep desire to help others. However, making the decision to carry a child for someone else requires extensive self-reflection and often numerous discussions with loved ones.

A close friend of mine, who became a surrogate, shared how she spent weeks discussing the decision with her family. “I wanted to make sure everyone was on board,” she said. “It wasn’t just my decision; it was a family commitment.”

Surrogates must ask themselves tough questions: Can I emotionally handle carrying and then parting with a baby? Do I have the support of my family and friends? This introspection is crucial and speaks to the surrogate’s strength and dedication.

Screening and Evaluations

Surrogates go through a rigorous screening process, including physical exams, medical history reviews, and psychological evaluations. These assessments ensure they’re physically and mentally prepared for the journey ahead.

The psychological evaluation, in particular, delves into their motivations and emotional resilience. While the process can feel intrusive, surrogates understand its necessity in safeguarding everyone involved. A surrogate once told me, “The evaluation felt like a mirror being held up to my soul, but it reminded me why I was doing this.”

Emotional Balance During the Pregnancy

Carrying a child for another family is a unique emotional experience. Surrogates must navigate feelings of attachment to the baby while staying mindful of their role in helping create someone else’s family. Maintaining this balance often involves:

  • Open communication with the intended parents: Honest and regular conversations create a bond that reassures both parties.
  • Ongoing support from counselors or surrogacy professionals: Many surrogates find comfort in professional guidance throughout the process.
  • Setting personal boundaries to prioritize their mental well-being: This includes finding time for self-care and managing emotional energy.

One surrogate shared how writing a journal helped her process her feelings. “Every week, I wrote a letter to the baby, knowing that one day, they might read it. It helped me feel connected yet prepared to let go.”

Handling External Judgments

Despite the growing awareness of surrogacy, societal misconceptions and stigma persist. Surrogates often face probing questions or uninformed opinions about their choice. Responding with grace while protecting their mental health is a challenge they overcome by:

  • Educating themselves and others about surrogacy: Knowledge is power, and surrogates often take the opportunity to debunk myths.
  • Leaning on support groups or online communities: Connecting with other surrogates provides a sense of camaraderie and understanding.
  • Staying focused on the positive impact of their decision: Reminding themselves of the joy they’re bringing to a family helps surrogates navigate external negativity.

The Goodbye Moment

After months of nurturing and carrying the baby, surrogates face the emotional moment of delivery and handing over the child to the intended parents. While this can be bittersweet, most surrogates describe it as a moment of profound joy and fulfillment.

One surrogate recalled, “I’ll never forget the look on their faces when they held their baby for the first time. It made everything worth it.” For surrogates, the focus shifts to seeing the happiness and gratitude in the intended parents, which makes the journey worthwhile.

Postpartum Adjustments

The postpartum period is a critical time for every surrogate. Hormonal changes, physical recovery, and the sudden absence of the baby can trigger emotional shifts. Many surrogates prepare for this phase by:

  • Having a strong postpartum care plan: This includes physical recovery, emotional check-ins, and reconnecting with their own families.
  • Seeking professional counseling if needed: Access to mental health support is essential for a smooth transition.
  • Celebrating the success of their journey: Many surrogates mark the occasion with their families or with the intended parents, reflecting on the positive impact they’ve made.

One surrogate shared that her postpartum journey was easier because she stayed in touch with the intended parents. “Getting updates about the baby’s milestones helped me feel at peace,” she said.

How Intended Parents Can Help

Understanding these mental hurdles helps intended parents provide better support to their surrogate. Here are some practical ways to show appreciation and care:

  • Maintain open communication: Check in regularly and ask how you can help.
  • Express gratitude: Small gestures like handwritten notes or thoughtful gifts can mean a lot.
  • Be patient and empathetic: Recognize the emotional complexity of their role.
  • Encourage professional support: Advocate for access to counseling or therapy if needed.

A Shared Journey of Strength

Surrogacy is not just a physical journey but an emotional and mental one as well. By recognizing and honoring the mental hurdles surrogates face, intended parents can build a compassionate partnership and a meaningful bond with the person helping bring their family to life. Together, the journey becomes one of shared strength, resilience, and incredible joy.